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Dr. Teresa Smith

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Communication Tips for Couples in Recovery

If you have found yourself in a troubled relationship, there is a very good chance you grew up with parents who argued and fought often. Your household was most likely filled with the sounds of angry voices, raised in an attempt to be heard or to simply drown out the other person.

This means you had no role models for how to treat your partner or what effective communication looks or sounds like. And so, you find yourself flailing, hoping things will get better with your partner but not really knowing what you can do.

The key to a healthy relationship, hands down, is good and respectful communication. If you are currently working toward mending your relationship, here are some communication tips that will help the two of you grow closer:

Give Each Other Your FULL Attention

We live in the age of technology, which means most of us has our head buried in our phone or tablet just about 24/7. This hinders good communication.

When you are speaking with one another, make sure to give your full attention to what the other person is saying. Turn the TV off, put the phone down, and make eye contact.

Take Responsibility

There are those relationships that suffer because one person has been unfaithful. But oftentimes, a broken relationship is the result of two broken people. Take responsibility for your part in the trouble. Admit to your mistakes and commit to trying harder.

Don’t Interrupt

It’s not easy to hear someone say negative things about your behavior but resist the urge to cut off your partner when they are saying something you don’t like or agree with.

Don’t Raise Your Voice

Yelling and shouting is not a form of effective communication. Do your best to refrain from raising your voice at all. It may sound too simplistic, but it really does help to stop and take a slow, deep breath when you feel your anger rising.

Listen

When your partner is talking, you should be hearing every word they say, not thinking about how you are going to respond. Many people are bad listeners. Listening is a skill you will have to develop over time, but why not start now?

If you follow these communication tips you’ll have a much better chance of reconnecting with your partner and making things work. And if you’d like to find a therapist that can guide you in your recovery, please reach out to me. I would be happy to talk with you about how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

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Benefits of Co-Parenting (And How to Do It)

When two people decide to separate or divorce, the first question they usually must answer is, “What’s best for the children?” Well, according to the Third International Conference on Shared Parenting, co-sponsored by the National Parents Organization and the International Council on Shared Parenting, children need both parents in their life, no matter how those two adults feel about each other. It is for this reason that most child health experts agree that co-parenting is in the best interests of children of divorce.

The latest research indicates that children of divorce, who have parents who agree to co-parent, can grow up just as well and adjusted as those children from homes where parents had successful marriages. They may actually fair a little better and have a lower divorce rate themselves and be more successful in their careers. Why is this?

Children that come from co-parenting learn how to proactively create good situations. They also see their parents working together for THEIR benefit, which gives them a healthy sense of self-worth. And, seeing parents successfully communicating with one another teaches them how to have good relationships with others.

Tips for Co-Parenting

Co-parenting will take some practice to get it right. Here are some tips for you and your parenting partner:

Make a Commitment

This journey will be bumpy. Make a commitment to your children and promise to have open and honest communication where their well-being is concerned.

Have Rules

Rules for each household should be agreed upon at the very beginning. Your children will test you both. Rules will help to ensure routine and structure, which they need greatly.

Avoid Negative Talk

While you may have issues with your ex, that is still your child’s parent. Refrain from “trash talking” the other around your children.

Seek Counsel

If you need help with lines of communication or help putting in place a comprehensive co-parenting plan, I encourage you to seek the guidance of a trained family therapist. He or she can navigate these choppy waters so everything is done with your child’s best interests in mind.

If you’d like to work with a family therapist who is caring, nurturing, and never judgmental, please reach out to my office.

SOURCES:

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Keeping the Spark Alive: Simple Romantic Things Long-Time Couples Can Do

When you build a fire, whether to warm your home or to add a bit of ambience on a cold, winter’s night, you know you’ve got to tend to the fire to keep it going. Relationships are no different. They, too, begin with that initial spark, but you both have to tend to the relationship to keep the heat!

In our modern age, too many couples are ready to throw in the towel as soon as things begin to cool off slightly.  Love takes work, that’s the reality. I’ve known and worked with many couples who have been together for decades and I’ve learned some of the key things that have helped them stay together for so long.

Give Each Other Your Full Attention

One of the greatest gifts of love you can give someone is your attention. Especially in today’s day and age, when it seems everyone has their head down, staring at their phone.

When you first fell in love, the other person was the center of your world. Has that changed over time? Do you take each other for granted?

Whether it’s to share a silly story or seek advice, be sure to always give each other your full attention. Tune into them fully and engage. Ask questions and be with them there in the moment.

Learn Together

When the relationships begins to feel stale and old, it’s time to learn something new together. This could be taking a Salsa class or learning how to white water raft. The wonderful thing is while you are learning a new skill together, you will most likely learn new things about each other. We get to a point in our relationship when we think we know everything about the other person. But people are deep, mysterious wells that take years and years to explore!

Plan Surprises

Take turns planning something fun and spontaneous for you to do each month. It could be borrowing your friend’s rooftop condo for a rooftop summer picnic with stunning views of downtown. Or it could be taking a weekend cooking class, or going on an overnight trip up into the mountains. Being spontaneous not only helps you break out of your relationship rut, it “forces” you to really think of the other person and what might make them happy.

Love is not something you fall in and out of; it is a journey that both of you are on together. To stay the course, be sure to give each other your full attention, learn together, and be spontaneous!

SOURCES:

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/keeping-the-spark-alive/

https://www.insider.com/how-to-keep-the-spark-in-your-relationship-2017-7

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-relationships/202010/keeping-the-spark-alive-in-your-relationship

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How to Manage Pre-Wedding Family Drama

A wedding is a special celebration of two lives coming together as one. It is a time to drink and be merry, and to look forward to many years of wedded bliss. Planning that wedding, however, can be a real nightmare when everyone is chiming in with their opinion, and when some people don’t get along with other people. If you can relate, keep reading to learn some ways you can manage pre-wedding family drama.

Map Out Your Needs First

Before opening yourselves up to family suggestions and requests, be sure you and your fiancé sit down to discuss what is most important to you both. What will help you maintain a level of authenticity and have a wedding that truly reflects your values and love for one another? Only when you have your needs and vision firmly in your mind should you open the floor to others’.

Be Open But Firm

Your family members love you and, for the most part, their input is to ensure your day is perfect. Meet these pieces of advice and opinions with an open mind, remaining flexible and collaborative.

Having said that, do NOT feel the need to try and accommodate everyone else’s needs and vision. At the end of the day, this is YOUR big day.

Make Self-Care a Priority

Much family drama stems from not being able to deal with the stress in the first place. Be sure to take care of yourself during this planning phase. That means eating right and not giving into the junk food that’s calling, getting enough sleep and making time for relaxing. When you feel good you are able to deal with family drama in a calm manner.

Weddings should be fun. So should planning them. Be sure to have your vision in mind, remain flexible, and make your mental and physical health a priority!

SOURCES:

https://www.bridalguide.com/blogs/real-brides-speak-out/family-relationships-wedding-planning

How to Deal with Family Drama During Wedding Planning

How to Navigate Family Drama While Wedding Planning

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