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Dr. Teresa Smith

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Helping Kids Cope with Loss

Parents do their best to shield their children from the harsh realities of the world. But as much of an effort as they put in, parents can’t always protect their children from experiencing the pain of loss. Whether it’s the loss of a beloved pet, a childhood friend, or the loss of a family member, young children are often unequipped to deal with the feelings of grief and sadness.

Here are some ways you can help your child cope with loss:

Share What They Can Handle

Children have very big imaginations. They can often imagine a scenario that is far scarier than the current reality. While you may think speaking openly to children about a pet or loved one’s illness and impending death will cause anxiety, very often not speaking with them will cause them even more. Just be sure to share facts and information that is age-appropriate. For instance, a 12-year-old may understand the concept of hospice care while a 5-year-old may not. With younger children, share the simple essentials of death and dying.

Use Children’s Books

It can be difficult finding just the right words to explain death and dying to a young child. At these times, children’s books about illness, dying and bereavement can be a tremendous help and can guide you in having developmentally appropriate conversations with young people.

Encourage Their Honest Feelings

Loss can cause people of all ages to completely shut down emotionally. Emotional numbness is a form of denial. While it’s okay for a child to take some space after the initial loss, you will need to help them feel their feelings about it. Unexpressed emotions can cause mental and physical issues in the future.

Accept Their Honest Feelings

Like adults, kids may go through a gamut of emotions from anger to sadness, guilt to shame. It’s natural and okay for your child to feel any emotion they may have. Let them know this and support them at every step of their grieving process.

Seek Help

Your child may benefit from speaking with a professional therapist who can offer tools and coping strategies. You’ll want to look for someone who’s not only qualified but who both you and your child will feel comfortable working with.

If you’re interested in exploring treatment options, please be in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

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Ending a Casual Relationship

Nowadays, it might seem like casual relationships are more common than serious ones. You might call it an open relationship or a friend with benefits, but they all amount to the same thing: a relationship that’s usually sexual in nature, but without any form of commitment attached to it.

Casual relationships can be fun and fulfilling. They can provide you with companionship and sexual intimacy, serving its purpose for you during a certain period in your life. However, problems in a casual relationship can arise when one person begins to develop feelings, and the other doesn’t. Your partner may decide that they want commitment, but you don’t (or vice versa); and you’ve decided that it’s time to end the relationship. What do you do?

Don’t Feel Guilty

There’s nothing wrong with not being ready to be in a relationship. If you’re the one who’s caught feelings and have been rebuffed by your partner, there’s no need to feel awkward. A sexual connection can create the illusion of intimacy; your feelings are natural.

Stop Sexual Relations

When it’s time to end the relationship, the sexual contact needs to stop. Continuing sexual intimacy after you’ve realized you need to cut ties with this person will only confuse your partner (or you.)

Don’t Sugar Coat It

When it’s time to break the news to your partner, do both of you a favor: be clear, direct and honest, but kind. Pick a busy, public place to meet for coffee or drinks, and make sure you arrive separately. When it’s time to break the news, let them know that you enjoyed your time together, but that you’ve decided you no longer want to be in this relationship and you both need to move on. After you let them know, make a hasty exit.

If for any reason you feel it’s unsafe to break up with your partner in person, then call or text instead. Your safety always comes first.

Prepare for Negative Reaction

It’s natural for people to react negatively or to be emotional after a break up. Stay calm and listen to what they have to say without interrupting. You can repeat back to them what you heard them say to help validate their feelings, but reiterate that you’re no longer interested in seeing them.

End Contact

Now that it’s over, it’s time to end contact. No more text messages, phone calls or DM’s. Don’t like their photos or comments on social media. This will only send mixed messages, or make it more difficult for you to break it off.

Are you having a hard time moving on after a break-up? Do you need help deciding if the relationship you’re in is right for you? A licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

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A Parent’s Grief: Coping with the Death of a Child

The natural course of life is that a parent passes on, and their child grieves their passing. The antithesis of this is not only the most unnatural, but the most devastating for everyone affected.

If you’ve experienced the death of a child, then the grief you’re experiencing will be a lifelong process of getting through, rather than getting over. While a simple blog post is inadequate in helping you through the grief, hopefully these words will provide some relief.

Accept How You Feel

You may feel anger, exhaustion, anxiety, profound sadness and a myriad of other emotions; you may even be experiencing some physical symptoms. What you’re feeling is normal and natural; and if you’re not feeling some or all of those emotions, that too is normal and natural. Grief is a personal, individual process, and everyone grieves differently. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling.

Whatever emotions you’re experiencing, it’s important to allow them to come up rather than suppress them. You cannot get through grief by avoiding dealing with your feelings. It may seem impossible to survive this devastating loss, but if you allow yourself to grieve, in time you will gradually begin to see and feel the light and warmth that comes from healing.

When you lose a child, you may at times feel a deep yearning or an aching emptiness that brings on immense sadness or anxiety. It may soothe you to journal about what you’re feeling, or write a letter to your child.

Honor Your Child’s Memory

Honor the memory of your child by putting together a scrapbook or creating a slideshow with photos and a favorite song. Plant a tree in their memory or make a donation to a charity or foundation in their name. If it feels right, hold a memorial gathering or celebrate their birthday.

Honoring your child’s memory also includes living a full, happy and complete life. Your child would not want the memory of their life to be your anguish and suffering. Honor their memory by accepting happiness and laughter back into your life.

Take Care of Yourself

It’s important to take care of yourself to aid in the healing process. Take the time to get out in the sunlight. Try to get some extra exercise in, and remember to eat.

Be patient and gentle with yourself as you grieve. Negative self-talk can cause anxiety, depression and sometimes even physical symptoms. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend or loved one. Realize that you were and still are a loving parent.

Resist the urge to isolate yourself and reach out to a support network. Contact friends, family or clergy to talk about what you’re going through. If you need someone to talk to and help you get through this difficult time, please contact me today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

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Child Abuse: Recognizing the Signs

Every year, an estimated 700,000 children are abused in the United States; and every day, five children die because of child abuse. While these statistics are alarming, you may be even more surprised to learn that when children report abuse to an adult in their life, only 58% of those adults take action. As adults, it’s our responsibility to help protect one of our most vulnerable populations. Read on to learn some ways to recognize possible signs of child abuse.

Physical Abuse

If a child is a victim of physical abuse, you may see bruising on their skin. If you notice a bruise or welt of any kind or in the pattern of an object (such as a hand or belt), this is a sign of physical abuse and must be reported. You can also assess the location of the child’s injury. For example, if they said they fell off a bike, are the marks left behind consistent with that injury?

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is best described as continuing emotional mistreatment of a child. If you see a child being cursed at or demeaned, that is emotional abuse.

Neglect

If you notice an underweight child, or a child who eats out of trash cans or begs, hoards or steals food, this could be a sign of neglect. Bad hygiene is another sign of neglect: the child will have dirty clothes, or will not be given baths. Medical neglect is also possible. If you know that a child has a medical condition, but they’re not being taken for medical care, this is neglect and must be reported.

Sexual Abuse

When in casual contact with children, you will likely not notice physical indicators of sexual abuse. You can look to emotional indicators however, such as signs of stress in the child or in their family. If you see a child imitating sexual acts, this is a possible sign of sexual abuse that must be reported so a professional can assess the situation. Other physical indicators include physical signs of trauma to the genital or anal area, bleeding, bruising, infection, STD’s and pregnancy.

 

If you suspect a child of being a victim of abuse or neglect, make it your business. Call the Child Protective Services (CPS) in your state, or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, which can be reached 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). If you believe a child is in immediate danger, call 911.

If you or your child have been the victim of abuse and need support and guidance, a licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today, and let’s schedule a time to talk.

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