For many couples, the discovery of a spousal affair is the ultimate betrayal. And yet, the betrayal by one does not necessarily decrease the love of either party for the other. When you still love someone but the trust has been significantly damaged, is it possible to mend the relationship? Can marriages be rebuilt after an affair?

Dr. Janis Spring is a clinical psychologist and author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful and How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. Through her work she has found that relationships can become even stronger after such a betrayal, provided the couples take some crucial steps.

Take Responsibility for the Pain Caused

Many unfaithful spouses are overcome with guilt and, because of it, urge their partners to put the deed behind them so they can move on and heal. This is a mistake, and one certainly not fair to the other spouse.

According to Dr. Spring, the offender must take responsibility and “bear witness” to the pain they have caused rather than defend or deflect their actions. This step is vital before the couple can begin the healing process.

Avoid Cheap Forgiveness

Sometimes, in an effort to save a marriage, the wronged partner quickly forgives the cheater before he or she has had a full chance to feel their anger and hurt. Spring calls this “cheap forgiveness” and warns that it can set up a marriage for future infidelities.

The behavior, she has noticed, is prevalent among individuals who are more afraid of being alone than staying in an unhealthy relationship with an unfaithful partner. But, cheap forgiveness essentially lets the cheater off scott-free and sends a message that the behavior is okay.

Shared Responsibility

There are some situations where, even when only one person has strayed, both parties share guilt. While the unfaithful person has to take responsibility, own up to their guilt, and allow their partner to vent, the wronged party must also acknowledge their own role. What led to feelings of emotional distance and isolation? Did their own behavior cause their spouse to stray?

Shared responsibility is necessary for healing and true intimacy.

Let Go

Once full responsibility is taken and grieving has happened, it is now time for both parties to “let it go” and begin coming back together. A couple has no chance of rebuilding trust if the wronged partner is going to hold onto the resentment and use it against their spouse in future situations.

Above all else, Spring advises that rebuilding trust after an affair takes time. Each couple is different. While some may feel closure after six months, others may need a year or year and a half to fully come together. Some couples may find they need the guidance of a therapist to move through their issues. But the important thing is that both parties remain committed and do the work.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Many authors, from Viktor Frankl to Deepak Chopra, have discussed the importance of living a purposeful life. It is purpose that allows us to transcend ourselves and create meaningful moments. Frankl believed that a pursuit in meaning in life is far more important than the pursuit of happiness, as meaning connects us to our past, present and future.

It can also be said that purpose in a relationship is more important than happiness. Relationships that last are the ones where two people create shared meaning; where goals are set and met alongside each other. A healthy relationship involves building a life together where dreams are not only visualized but come to fruition.

While happiness is a feeling that can eventually fade, meaning and purpose are everlasting. With this in mind, here are 3 ways you and your partner can create and share goals together.

Commit to Creative Time

Couples are often encouraged to commit to a date night once a week to stay connected. While having fun together is definitely important to the relationship, it is no more important than creating together. Be sure to set time aside each week to create a shared vision and figure out how you’re going to make that vision become reality.

Be Open

During your dreaming and planning hours, it’s important that you both be open to what the other has to say. Dreaming and planning your life is not the time to put each other down for ideas or questions. Being open and non-critical will create an environment of respect and safety, and this is where magic can happen.

Share Responsibility

Once you have come up with your goal (live a sustainable lifestyle, homeschool the kids, create a home gym, etc…) and devised a plan of how you’ll get there, it’s important you BOTH see the plan all the way through to the end. Be sure to keep yourself and each other accountable and support one another. Remember, you’re on the same team – cheer each other on so you can win the gold!

In order for your marriage to thrive, it is vitally important you both commit to spending quality time together dreaming and planning, being open and respectful to what the other has to say, and share in the responsibility of seeing your dream come to fruition. If at any point during your dreaming and planning you find your communication is troubled, consider seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor who can help you reconnect and tackle any issues you may be having.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Nowadays, it might seem like casual relationships are more common than serious ones. You might call it an open relationship or a friend with benefits, but they all amount to the same thing: a relationship that’s usually sexual in nature, but without any form of commitment attached to it.

Casual relationships can be fun and fulfilling. They can provide you with companionship and sexual intimacy, serving its purpose for you during a certain period in your life. However, problems in a casual relationship can arise when one person begins to develop feelings, and the other doesn’t. Your partner may decide that they want commitment, but you don’t (or vice versa); and you’ve decided that it’s time to end the relationship. What do you do?

Don’t Feel Guilty

There’s nothing wrong with not being ready to be in a relationship. If you’re the one who’s caught feelings and have been rebuffed by your partner, there’s no need to feel awkward. A sexual connection can create the illusion of intimacy; your feelings are natural.

Stop Sexual Relations

When it’s time to end the relationship, the sexual contact needs to stop. Continuing sexual intimacy after you’ve realized you need to cut ties with this person will only confuse your partner (or you.)

Don’t Sugar Coat It

When it’s time to break the news to your partner, do both of you a favor: be clear, direct and honest, but kind. Pick a busy, public place to meet for coffee or drinks, and make sure you arrive separately. When it’s time to break the news, let them know that you enjoyed your time together, but that you’ve decided you no longer want to be in this relationship and you both need to move on. After you let them know, make a hasty exit.

If for any reason you feel it’s unsafe to break up with your partner in person, then call or text instead. Your safety always comes first.

Prepare for Negative Reaction

It’s natural for people to react negatively or to be emotional after a break up. Stay calm and listen to what they have to say without interrupting. You can repeat back to them what you heard them say to help validate their feelings, but reiterate that you’re no longer interested in seeing them.

End Contact

Now that it’s over, it’s time to end contact. No more text messages, phone calls or DM’s. Don’t like their photos or comments on social media. This will only send mixed messages, or make it more difficult for you to break it off.

Are you having a hard time moving on after a break-up? Do you need help deciding if the relationship you’re in is right for you? A licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.