You’ve probably heard this a thousand times, but here it is again: Relationships are tough and they require constant work. You and your partner have to be ready to put in the work every single day, and one way to do this is through constant evaluation of your relationship.

Here is a list of some important questions to answer both individually and as a couple. These questions will give you a clearer picture of your relationship.

1.     Do you feel safe in the relationship? – In your relationship, you should be able to really be yourself without fear of being judged. Do you feel like your partner has the capability to stick with you through tough times? Will they be there if you had cancer or depression? If it is difficult for you to answer this question, seeking professional help can provide a safe place to talk about this.

2.     Are you both happy? –  As humans, we rely on our romantic relationships to provide us with some level of happiness. Having bad days is normal, but if your relationship is fraught with anxiety and tension then there might be a problem.  If you find yourself feeling sad or angry more than you feel happy, then you need to do some evaluation. Relationships require work but they shouldn’t drain you emotionally or affect your mental health.

3.     Do your plans and visions for the future align? –  To strengthen your commitment, you need to agree on your vision and goals for the future. Is your partner ready to show up, do the work every day and accept you fully without harsh criticism? You need to be sure they are in it for the long haul and you’re on the same page about what’s important to you in life.

4.     Are your arguments healthy? –  Arguments are normal, but how you argue matters. Are you able to keep your arguments from getting out of hand, find a way to calmly discuss and reach a solution? You need to argue in a way that makes both parties feel heard. If things get violent often, then you need to rethink things.

5.     Are you sexually compatible? – Sex is important in any romantic relationship. Are you physically attracted to each other? Do you agree on issues relating to sex such as when and how it occurs? If one person feels sexually deprived or pressured to do things they aren’t comfortable with, it could lead to conflict. It’s a great idea to create a safe space in your relationship where you can openly talk about your sex life.

If you answered yes to most/all of the questions above, then you and your partner are probably in a great place. If not, carefully reflect on the questions and revisit them when you’ve had time to think about them properly.

It’s also a great idea to have a third party ask questions that are too tough to ask yourselves. If you’re struggling with these questions, and need a therapist to talk to, please give me a call. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is famous for having said, “Into each life some rain must fall,” meaning life is always going to throw us some heartache. This same sentiment can be said about relationships. Into each one some irritability, frustration and overall blah-ness tends to fall.

But while it’s common for all couples to go through “the blahs,” you don’t have to throw in the towel and stay there. In fact, couples that put in the time and effort to reconnect with one another often feel even closer for it.

If you would like to build intimacy with your partner, here are some easy ways to start that journey:

Focus and Listen

Thanks to the proliferation of digital media and mobile devices, we live in a world that seems to demand that we all become proficient multitaskers. The problem with this is, it’s hard to shut off this instinct. Most of us are hardly able to have a conversation with a loved one without checking our social media pages or texting a co-worker. This inability to STOP and focus on just being with our partner can absolutely kill intimacy.

If you want to reconnect you’ve got to become aware of when your mind is wandering. You’ve got to really focus on your partner and actually listen with both ears to what they say. Being heard, really heard, makes us feel loved and cared for. By doing this for your partner you will not only make them feel loved and special, you will inspire them to reciprocate the same respect.

Appreciate All They Do

It’s entirely too easy to take our loved ones for granted. Reconnecting requires that we appreciate who they are and all that they do in our lives.

Think of some things that you appreciate about your partner and thank them. Perhaps they always take out the trash without being asked. Maybe they bring you a cup of coffee in the morning when you first wake up, or they do the dishes every night. Take the time to recognize their efforts and thank them from the heart. You will both feel great.

Have Fun

Sure, building intimacy is important, but you don’t have to be so serious about it! One of the absolute best ways to reconnect with your partner is to laugh with them. This is especially true for people who have been together for quite a few years. You forget who each other used to be. But by experiencing novel and interesting activities together, you can learn new things about each other and see your relationship in a new light. 

For some couples, building intimacy can require even more work, especially if there are trust issues. In these cases, working with a couples’ therapist can help partners feel safe enough to work through their issues so they can reconnect.

If you or someone you know is interested in exploring therapy, please contact me. I’d be happy to discuss how I might be able to help.

When it comes to relationships, it seems there is often a driving force behind the couple, or one partner who seems to always have the upper hand. This is often referred to as “wearing the pants.” The partner who “wears the pants” is the one most often in control of the relationship.

“Wearing the Pants”

But what does it mean to have control in a relationship? For one partner to have more control over the other often means that one partner in the relationship is more committed to and interested in it than the other. If one partner is less interested than the other, then the partner with more interest is frequently the one giving up their power in the relationship. This partner may do a lot of chasing and begging while the other wields the upper hand, giving little.

Self-Respect

To avoid this scenario, each person in the relationship must value themselves. Each person should see themselves as “a catch” – a person with value, who deserves an equal and loving partnership.

Maintaining a balance of power in a relationship requires self-respect. If one person in the relationship doesn’t value themselves and they’re willing to do anything to keep the other person in a relationship, they are also setting the relationship up to fail. The person in control will lose respect and attraction, while the person giving up control will build resentment towards their partner.

Balancing Power

To create or maintain balance in your relationship, you must learn to stand your ground. Make your demands known, figure out what your deal breakers are, and be prepared to walk away if necessary.

As you make your needs known, be sure to do so in a calm manner and don’t create an argument. If there are important things that your partner needs to change, set a time limit. For example, if they frequently put you down or name-call, give them a period of time in which they have to make significant improvement. Know in advance what you’re willing to accept, and what behavior is unacceptable. It’s possible that your partner won’t change, and if so you need to be prepared to walk away while your self-esteem is still intact.

Are you having difficulties in your relationship, and require the help and guidance of a licensed professional? Call my office today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.